Rough Waters

Since the last post it's been a little rough - more mentally than physically. As I mentioned in the last one, it hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows (please note the Rocky reference). After getting back from San Fran, we've had 2 group runs. The first one was a 14 mile run down on the DC waterfront (Mt Vernon trail, Virginia side) and then the most recent one yesterday, we were at Pierce Mill.

I'm not sure if the first one was because the location of the run is a tough one for me or if it was just because it was hot, but it was an impossible day for me. The location is tough because that is where I first started to run when I first started this journey. I've taken wrong turns (yes I realize there aren't many turns on the route, but I ended up over a bridge that has no running connections) and it was a big part of running on my own. There have been a lot of times that I have run and turned around and not made it to my goal destination because I've been mentally exhausted. Going into that weekend, the bad runs stuck out more than the good ones and it weighed heavily on me and in turn it pushed my mental attitude in the wrong direction.

Before the run even started, I was thinking negatively and the one thing I have learned is that negative thinking is NOT good for me and that the only way for me to be successful and happy is to be positive (well, lets be honest here folks, I am still trying to learn this). Anyway, from the first step onto the trail I wanted to quit and I let the negative thoughts take over. I remember running past the airport thinking to myself "I can't do this" -- and those are words that I have never actually said. Yes, I have wondered if I CAN do it, but never have I thought that I actually CAN'T. This scared the crap out of me -- I know I can do this... I've done it twice before for goodness sakes! I don't know what bug bit me that day and infected me since then, but its somehow stayed with me -- but ONLY when running.

I ended up finishing about 11 miles that day but I walked a little bit and made Kristina go ahead (which again is something that I've never done... more about that later).

This weekend we had a rest week that was at Pierce Mill - usually a good location for me, but as soon as those negative thoughts came in, they killed my run. It's funny to me because although I feel like crap and that I am running slow and painfully, I looked at my time from the day and I am actually running faster than I did last season - even with the mental breakdowns! I am NOT doing that poorly - I just think that as soon as I feel tired or thirsty or anything other than good, I let it take me over. I see Kristina training differently during the week and then I see her stronger and happier while training and I psych myself out. It is totally mental and I need to figure out HOW to get over it. I know this is not a competition and I need to stop doing this to myself, but for some reason I just am having trouble. Because of these two runs, I have, for the very first time in almost two years, thought of giving up. It kills me to write that but I would be lying if I said otherwise. Somehow I need to figure out how to get back to where I was three weeks ago. I know I have it physically - now I just need to break through this mental barrier.

Maybe this mental block that I am fighting right now is actually a good thing. Maybe if I can break through this, I wont hit that wall when I am racing. Maybe I just need to figure out how to just push through one more time. Over the last year I have figured out how to become stronger while not running, now maybe if I can figure out how to do this in a situation that challenges me than it will be that last piece of the puzzle in making myself to where I need to be. I don't know... but I know I don't want to give up. I have pushed through during that run on Haines Point and I want to do it again - and the only person who can do it is me.

Testing the waters...

It's been a while since I posted (a month!) and we are well into our training by now. It is funny - each marathon that I run have been drastically different -- from the mental and the physical standpoint. The first one that I ran, I relied on others to get me through mentally and physically. The second one, I was stronger and more independent, both as a runner and as a person. Now with this one, I am kind of like Nike -- Just doing it. I haven't let it take over my life and when it comes to the training, it is just another day that I have to workout. I haven't really taken much time to think about what's ahead each week and this past weekend was the first time that I actually thought to myself about the race -- and that is most likely because I was in San Francisco!

To catch up - I am about 2 months in to this program. Kris and I have had some great runs -- we have kicked Fletcher's ass a few times, gone around the capital (boooring) and run in a few different places -- and the great thing is, with each one, I am feeling stronger. I think the difference this time is that I am NOT solely focusing on running. I am working with an amazing trainer at South Arlington who is pushing me to my limits each time (HUGE Shout out to Kevin!) and he is not focusing on the marathon - he is just focusing on making me a "bad ass". I am really feeling stronger, not only when I run, but all the time. My arms are stronger, my core is stronger and I am just feeling better overall.

From a mental standpoint I had a huge breakthrough two weeks ago. We were doing 12 miles, starting from Hanes Point, running to Fletchers and then back (we ended up running the opposite as everyone else because we had to leave from the water stop). The run itself went great - it was a beautiful day and both Kris and I felt very strong. At the end of the run, we had to go out 3/4 of a mile and back on a very flat and lonely portion of Hanes Point / Ohio Drive to complete the mileage. At this point, the sun was high and hot and there really wasn't anyone out there. It would have been very easy for us to just stop, but we both agreed that we needed to complete the run.

Now, one of the things that Kristina, Kristin and Charlie have all said to me is that they want to get "cycle sam" out while running. When I am teaching, it is easy to motivate others and to believe in others. When it comes to running, I have never been able to believe in myself and to push myself the way I can in the classroom. Kristin and Kristina both have said that if we can translate THAT part of me into my runs, it will make a huge difference, but I just have never been able to do that.

So during that first 3/4 mile stretch, I can honestly say it was one of the longest and hardest runs I have ever done. I was hot, tired and just mentally ready to quit - but instead of thinking to myself, not necessarily to fail, but more so with the thought that I suck at this and why on earth do I do this crap, I started to think to myself, "You CAN do this. This is nothing. Hold on - you can do this." -- and I pushed myself through. I was able to make the switch in my thoughts to believe in myself - and it was a big deal to me. It may sound silly, but being stronger on a mental level and thinking back to where I was last year at this time is a big accomplishment! :)

Anyway - back to the running - this past weekend I had a very special training run -- Kristina and I were able to get 11 miles of the San Fran marathon route under our belts. I met Kris out in SF on Thursday night and we spent the weekend in the city, checking out the sights (the food!) and the route. Friday morning we did a 3 mile run by the bay bridge and past the stadium and then on Saturday we hammered out just under 8 miles around the Golden Gate bridge portion of the route.

This was HANDS DOWN the most beautiful run I have ever been on. The weather was PERFECT, and there was just a little fog that was lifting as we began the run, making the bridge look incredible. I debated on bringing my camera, but I stupidly decided not to because I didn't want to carry it for that long - -and now I am regretting it.

I remember as we were running right below the bridge of how incredibly lucky I am to have this type of opportunity - not just this past weekend, but also with everything that TNT has done. I know I've bitched a lot this season about the responsibilities that I've undertaken, but it is that memory in my head of the absolute beauty that I got to see -- and see it on foot, feeling strong, and enjoying myself -- made it worth every bagel I've picked up. Although not every training will feel this good or be this pretty, I must remember how far I've come since I started this running thing two years ago, and how much further I am going to go.

Running isn't easy - but I am finally seeing a change. I am not sure if it is the additional training (I think that has a big thing to do with it) or if it is that I am just being a little more relaxed about the whole thing (it is not taking over my life)... but something is finally starting to give - and it feels pretty good.