Frustration

Note: I wrote this blog on Sunday and for some reason forgot to post it... and on an edit to it, the week has started out strong. I had a good training with Tasha yesterday and this morning I got some good words of encouragement from one of my regulars in class, who also happens to be an ironman. That, tied into a good session at the pool, is helping lay the ground work for a strong week of training... I mean, really, I only have 75 days. 


Anyway - here is the blog from Sunday... 


I know that it is normal to have frustrations during training and this past weekend I had my first bout with it. It all stemmed from the week leading up to it and everything kind of compounded into frustration across the board, not just with training but with work and life in general. I know that it is normal, but frankly, I don't feel like I have time to be frustrated. I don't have time for frustration, because that is what leads to failure - and there is not enough time to be riddled with it, both at work and through this training. And I refuse to fail. 


The week at work leading up to the weekend of training was without a doubt difficult and has contributed to how I am feeling right now and I can recognize that it had a direct impact on my training this week. That along with the self doubt of not wanting to fail at anything (work, personal life, and this triathlon) compounded itself into one big mess of a week and frankly I am feeling more than a little beat down. 


On the up side, I do know that there is no place to go but up and I have to learn from my frustrations and move forward (and as I write this I am trying to convince myself it is true). From a training perspective, this weekend just sucked... BUT... The week leading up was great - I had 2 great workouts with Tasha, and I've continued to push myself into a nice routine that will help me as I get closer to the race. But that is about where it ends.


The goal for the weekend's long training was 90 minutes on the bike, followed by a 10 minute run - not too tough and something that I can pretty much do in my sleep at this point. Except for the fact that I blew a tire in the beginning of the morning (awesome) and then my chain fell off about 45 minutes into the ride (again, awesome). This paired with the fact that it was 30 degrees really made the entire day just a huge day of shit. Cold shit. 


Now, when training for my previous races in the winter, I don't mind running in the cold - I actually prefer it. But riding a bike in the cold is a totally different ballgame. And frankly, it is a ballgame that sucks and I don't recommend it. I was TOTALLY unprepared for the cold on a bike and I learned my lesson that it just plain sucks... and then I realized that it is only the middle of January and it is only going to get worse. So - my takeaway is that I need to do some research on how to ride in the cold. I would much rather dive in the cold than bike in the cold. Well - who are we kidding I would much rather dive than do most anything. 


I am also really missing the marathon team. I can't really explain it, but it is easier to form friendships running than it is riding - part of that is probably that I need to attend the team practices more often, but I just miss the friendships that I developed with the marathoners. It didn't come instantaneously with the marathoners either so I guess I should give it more of a chance. Granted I am sure I will eat these words in a few weeks but right now, I miss my old teammates and coaches.


Anyway, I tried to regain a bit of confidence with a run this afternoon (Sunday), but sadly I let my mental frustration and exhaustion take over and only got in about 35 minutes on the trail. I know I will pick it up again tomorrow with Tasha and go through the whole routine again this week, hopefully with a better and more positive attitude. And better gloves. 


I also miss the water - this is the longest I've been without diving since I started and it is really taking its toll on me. I know that my stress, fear of failure and self doubt would be easier to handle if I had time underwater. I really want a weekend where I can just take in the peace of the underwater world and breath. I know that just one dive would make everything better - it is just what it does for me. Some people need therapy - I need diving... and when you take me away from it for this long, it has its effect on me. I am going to try to figure out a time where I can just take a weekend and not miss too much and get underwater.... I just have to figure it out. 


I know that I will come out of this and tomorrow is a new day and a new week (and I kind of want to throw up for writing such a sappy positive sentence) - I just hope that this fog of frustration lifts and that I find a bit more confidence.... I only have 10 weeks. 

12 Weeks for 10 Days.

12 Weeks for 10 Days... that is my motto of the week. I have 12 weeks left of my training and the reward and payoff will be 10 days in paradise... and this week,  that is what is motivating me - not just with training but at work also. 


I've been training for this tri for about a month now - and by no means are we into the bulk (or really even the start) of the training. I know that as I continue down this path, it is going to become more intense, and I am prepared for it. I feel I have a good base - but I know that that is not going to get me across the finish line. There is a lot of work left and I am prepared and motivated to do it. 


There are so many things that I don't know about triathlons and I want to do really well. I plan on continuing to training hard, but when it comes down to it, this will be the first time that I've done this and I am sure that there will be lots of room to improve. Part of me wishes that there would be time to do a sprint before the actual race just so I can have some of the silly questions answered and have at least an idea of what to expect. 


I know how many unknowns there were with the first marathon - and a lot of that was just not knowing if I could finish. With this, I know I can finish - the difference is, I want to finish well. I really want to kick ass and I am prepared to train hard for this - not just because the payoff will be spectacular, but because this race has so many meanings to me.  

I am doing this race not for me, but to honor John - and I want to make him proud because without him, I most likely wouldn't have finished (or possibly even started) the first race and I probably wouldn't have continued with TNT if he hadn't been such a big factor in my Nashville experience... and I want to do well in this race as a way to honor him.

Obviously, I want to fundraise as much as I can in honor of him, but that is others giving in his memory - and finishing this race is MY way of doing something from me, for him. I don't know... it makes sense in my head (well, most things do) :)

Anyway -there are 12 weeks left and my mind is a float with how amazing it will be to go back to Hawaii - but I also know that I have business to do there. I want to look forward to the end, but I have to get to the start first.

And each time I am dreading getting into the pool, or out to run, or on the bike, I have to think of what will be at the end. And please don't get me wrong, I LOVED the Tiffany necklace that I got at the end of San Francisco, but I know that what awaits me at the end of this race is something so much better... the clear, blue, perfect Pacific Ocean.