Getting Excited!

I am SIX days away from the race and I am starting to get excited. I've trained my ass off (literally, I feel like I have no ass left) and I have worked harder than I have with any of my other races, which is good. I have trained consistently and hard with Tasha and I've modified the training plan to work with my schedule and I feel good about it - or as good as I can about it. I am trying to keep this all in mind as I do have a bit of self doubt lingering in the back of my mind. 


I know that I shouldn't have doubt in myself - but I think it is human nature to do so, especially since this is something I haven't done before. I try to think back to swimming and during our taper time and I know that what I am feeling is similar. You've worked so hard to get to where you are about to be, and I know I have to trust my training, which is easier said than done. I need to put the nerves away, relax and enjoy myself and the experience. 


I think I helped with my nerves by going out on Saturday night...I just let loose, which I think that it was exactly what I needed to get in the right mindset going into the weekend - I felt like my old "FUN SAM" self - not the one that is nervous and stressed about training and fundraising.  


I was out with some friends from work and a few from the team - including Kaitlin, who I've admired and looked up to so much from a TNT perspective over the years. Being around her and Jeff, another TNT coach and friend, put me at ease for the race and helped my mind lean toward just letting it all go and having fun.


ANNNNDDDD - on a fundraising note - I am incredibly proud to announce that JOHN PARKS CHAMPIONS hit the $100,000 mark on Friday - and we OFFICIALLY will have a grant named after him. 


I am so honored to be a part of this team and I am so happy that we have been able to reach our goal and to be able to honor his memory. This is the ultimate goal - not finishing - but to be able to give back and to be able to honor John. I am also VERY proud to say that I hit the $8000 mark in my personal fundraising today... and although I don't know if I will hit my personal goal of $8500 in the next six days, I am incredibly thankful and humbled to have such wonderful support. This alone helps me move my emotions more toward the excited side so THANK YOU for the support that you've given!


I am excited for the next week and I am going to try to enjoy this taper and get through the rest of work... and then jump on the plane and make this triathlon my bitch. 

For those that don't know about the ho - a repost and update of the story.

Over the last couple of days, I realized that there were a few very important people in my life that had no idea about my ho and my blood clot and it really surprised me since it is a huge part me. I think that part of that comes from changing jobs and having new people introduced into my life, which is something that just happens. 


The details of this story aren't exactly something that I bring up on a daily basis because although it is a huge part of my life, it isn't doesn't define me... plus to understand what happened, it is a long story. I have found myself referring folks to the original post just so I don't have to explain the details. 


I posted this sometime last year and it is my personal account of what happened with my leg and it was the first time that I had ever written everything down. I have added a bit to it, since after the first post was written since there have been some updates... so, here it is again... the untold story of my clot and how I became a ho. :) 

When I was 19, I was diagnosed with a blood clot in my right leg - it was from the upper part of my hip to midway between my calf and ankle. In addition, I had a pulmonary embolism in my lungs (which is actually a good thing considering the alternative of aneurysm and/or stroke. Pulmonary Embolism is when a clot breaks off and travels to your lungs). I have to preface that I am very lucky to be here. I take each day and try to live life to it's fullest, remembering "what could have been" -- obviously some days I do better than others with that thought. :)

See, a blood clot is very hard to diagnose. I was a VERY active, healthy 19 year old Division I swimmer. I was giving my all to my craft, and I loved it. Swimming was my LIFE. I loved ECU, I loved my team, I loved the competition, and I HATED losing. I trained my ASS off and I was good. I went to ECU to swim and that is what I did. I loved the water.

I remember that we went to AU and then to JMU for a Saturday/Sunday meet - which meant that we had Monday off (yipee). It was my first time swimming "at home" -- American -- and I was excited that my family could be there (even though they were at all my meets because they love me!). I remember doing my 200 breast and getting out and just being in pain. I remember so specifically being in the corner just balled up not being able to move - its funny because later I would end up working at AU as an SID and I have these horrible memories of the pool there and that pain. 

The next day we went to JMU and I had to swim against a girl named Sam -- and I remember my coach putting me in lane 8 (I always swam in the middle) -- and I finished very poorly and I remember not being able to breath well... it was just not a good day.  We went home, I chalked it up to a bad weekend in the pool and that I would be fine.

The next practice was a Tuesday morning and I recall nothing but the kick set. This sounds so gross, but I hocked up a loogey (everyone does it -- and if a swimmer tells you they don't pee in the pool also, they are lying, all swimmers do it). Anyway, the loogey had a massive amount of blood in it and I immediately ignored it and swept it into the gutter... (sorry to all my teammates). So obviously a HUGE loogey of blood was not exactly sucked down and Coach Kobe fished it out with a fin and was like WTF. Obviously, being the petty sophomore who was so embarrassed I didn't say anything... probably not the smartest move on my part.

Time went on and I continued to try to practice over the next couple of days, only to be in more pain. I went to the team doctor, who told me that there was nothing wrong with me that they could see. He went to far over the couple of times that I saw him to say that I was depressed and that one leg was longer than the other which was why I was in pain. My mom eventually came down and yelled at the training staff and doctors and still nothing was found. Anyway, long story short, I was in pain, I was a bitch because I wasn't sleeping and couldn't swim and life pretty much sucked.

So after about 2 weeks, I was in the student center and my dear friend Kelly and I were there and I sneezed and as it happened a bunch of blood came up with the sneeze. She looked at me and said "ok bitch, you are sick. we are taking you to a real doctor I don't care what you say", so after practice that day, she packed me up, and took me to a doc-in-a-box.

After examining me, the doc-in-the-box said, I am not sure what is wrong with you, you have a choice... go to the hospital now or go home and go when it gets worse. Kelly, being the loving friend she is, said "no way. you are a bitch you are going to the hospital NOW" So off we went to Pitt Memorial... and the rest of the evening is a bit blurry.

I remember being in INCREDIBLE pain in the waiting room -- it was like my body was telling me that I needed help NOW. I got doped up with a bunch of drugs (woohooo for me, baddddd news for Kelly), having to pee and there being a pregnant lady in the bathroom about to give birth (ok that might have been the drugs) and a pelvic exam that ended with Kelly yelling at the doctor to stop looking at my hoo-haw and start looking at my leg because it was 4X the size of my other one (note: in all college ER's you are automatically expected to have either a STD or be preggers if you have pain in your stomach). The doctor quickly realized that Kelly was right and there was nothing wrong downstairs and immediately got me a CT scan. I have no recollection past the pelvic exam and only Kelly could share with you that evening and being the one to have to call my parents.

I woke up the next am and there was a nurse coming in asking me if I wanted to speak to the priest to repent any sins (ie, you are about to die)  --  of course being the kind person I am I said"what the F are you talking about, go get me a doctor"  When the doc came in he told me I needed to make a decision because  I had a clot the size of texas in my leg and I was either going to die, lose a leg or both within the next four hours -- oh and I have about a 10% chance of coming out of all of this 100%... so of course, I said - just talk to my mom.

Next thing I know I am being wheeled into surgery to do some sort of crazy shit that my body ended up rejecting -- BUT I didn't die (cue applause). Because my body rejected the surgery, I was put back into surgery to remove whatever it was they put in and was then put on a heperin drip in intensive care to hopefully eradicate the clot.  Long story short again, I had a huge ass blood clot from my hip to my shin and they got all but 4 inches out, which still remain a part of me today.

I spent 10 days in the hospital. I was a HORRIBLE patient. Think about it. You take an active, happy athlete and take her out of what she loves and tell her she may not be able to do it ever again... what do you think you are going to get??? I was devastated. It was my life. And to be told that the chances were slim to none that I would be able to compete again killed me. I went home on Thanksgiving Day and I remember driving back to DC not knowing what the future held. 

Most don't know but swimmers don't shave their legs in season - they wait until the "big meet" -- so I was a hairy mofo... and I remember sitting in my shower, shaving my legs and it was such a significant thing for me -- because that was the true ending to my season -and possibly my swimming career. It was the reality that it was over. All my hard work, all my sweat, tears, training was over...possibly forever - and it was horrible. It was a moment that will forever be in my heart. I have had my heart broken by many men - but nothing will break me more than that moment, when I realized that it was over. I remember sitting in my shower (I couldn't stand for more than 5 minutes without incredible pain) and just crying. Thankfully, I was able to swim and kick ass even more than before, so that heartbreak isn't so bittersweet like the others, but that moment in the shower was one that I will never forget. 

So when I came back home I was lucky enough to see a doctor that was top in the nation for blood clots. One thing that puts all of this in perspective is that doctors that specialize in blood clots also are the doctors that treat cancer patients - particularly leukemia, lymphoma (blood cancer) -- and they totally trump me when it comes to importance. I am SO lucky next to what they are going through. I almost feel as if I am not worthy and that the doctors time is better spent on saving them than looking at my stupid clot. Dr. Kessler is the top vascular surgeon and hematologist in the nation -- I am lucky to have him even blink an eye at me, much less see me as a patient. He truly knows his shit. I had Dr. Bogey at ECU, who was the vascular surgeon who saved my life and I thank my lucky stars for him every day and he is another amazing doctor. He was amazing, and incredibly patient with me, and he I try to keep in touch with him now (apparently his son is/was a swimmer at ECU of all things -- how ironic)

Anyway - Dr. Kessler told me that I should kiss my marathon dreams (which I laughed at the time) goodbye and that if I were to finish my swimming career that I should be thankful to be back in the water. After getting back to school, I worked hard to regain the ability to walk without pain. I had no circulation and just standing for a period of time would be painful - also sitting for periods of time was difficult so there was a lot of trouble finding any type of comfort. Needless to say, it was frustrating.  After a lot of hard work, I came into my junior year to a new and amazing coach (love ya and thank you Chris Feaster!) and built myself back up - through a LOT of hard work and pain. I didn't kill it that year, but I came back with a vengeance and Chris understood what I wanted to achieve and he was dedicated to get me there. He got it and was there every step of the way and I was incredibly lucky to have someone like him on my side. 

My senior year, I came back, worked hard and kicked ass and even became nationally ranked (not bad for a chick with a ho) and finished proudly as the most improved swimmer for ECU. For each meet (and practice) during both these years, I wore, and still proudly wear a ho on my leg, which provides circulation from my foot to my heart. And even though I was told to put the dreams of marathon running aside, as this blog shows, I proudly finished 3 1/2 marathons with little to no issues. Needless to say, I am not about to let this stop me.

Over the years, I built up collateral's around the clot - it is amazing how the body works and can rebuild itself and my circulation improved, most likely from living such an active lifestyle. When I was down in Winston-Salem after college, I got off taken off blood thinners, which was huge for me. I even was able to get to a point where I was able to go for short periods of time without my ho and be comfortable. I hit my 10 year anniversary and I was proud of where I was. I wrote a note to Dr. Bogey and sent it to him on Thanksgiving of that year and sharing with him all I had accomplished and saying thank you to him because without him, I wouldn't be here. I try to remember to write to him every year just to keep him in the loop. 

In January of 2011, I was doing a lot of traveling back and forth to California and I freely admit that I wasn't wearing my ho nearly as often as I should have been and I think that all of the travel, in addition to not being on blood thinners led me to have another clot. I've always had chronic pain and swelling in my leg so when the pain started to become more acute and really effecting me (to the point where I couldn't get out of bed) I went to the doctor (ok - well Manda told me to go).

I decided to go on a Tuesday after cycle class and I went to Georgetown just in case something was seriously wrong then they could get in touch with Dr Kessler easily. I am not really sure why or how it happened but I was in and out of the hospital a couple of times that week and was able to get an appointment with Dr. Kessler quickly (if it says anything I called to make an appointment with him before going to the ER and his first available appointment was in May - when they realized I had another clot, I got one for the next day).

The day of that appointment, I remember sitting with my dad in the waiting room just so scared with what he was going to say - It was like reliving a bad dream all over. I hadn't seen him in almost 10 years so it was nerve racking. In seeing Kessler, it was determined that I did have another  clot, this one had built on top of the remaining 4 inches and I that I had also lost most of my collaterals... so basically I was starting over. They also did some tests on my heart and lungs after seeing Kessler a second time, they determined that the clot most likely had broken off but my body absorbed it because of how healthy I am (thank you Gold's Gym).

This news and setback was a HUGE blow to me. Not only was I back in pain, but I was dealing with something that I thought that I had put in the past. It really hit me hard and it sucked - SUCKED - having to "start over."  I was put back on blood thinners and Dr. K told me that I was never going to be off of them (and he was surprised that I was off of them in the first place). I also was back to wearing my ho 24-7 simply because I needed it for pain management and swelling - and to this day, I still wear it all the time - even now when I sleep (which is something that I never had to do prior).

 All of this took a lot of getting used to again and it was a hard pill to swallow - but I have no choice but to do it. Sometimes I feel like a cat with nine lives and I recognize that I am VERY lucky to be here - especially after the second time. I recognize that I am so lucky, but when my leg hurts and I am uncomfortable it does upset me... it does frustrate me. I don't like it but I have no choice but to suck it up - there are a lot of other things that could suck more. 

As for my ho, I do wear my it all the time. It is a part of me. It is very tight and I only wear it on one leg. It provides me the circulation that I don't have due to the damage in my veins and the remainder of the clot. It also provides me relief from the pain that I feel and it keeps my clot from building onto itself.

It's sort of skin colored but that depends on which one I am wearing and how old it is. I have a lot of them - and some are better than others... And it is like Christmas when I get a new one. Seriously - there is not much better than putting on a new ho. (Oh the jokes we could make with that comment) - but seriously, it is amazing when you put on a new ho...

Another thing that people ask about is how come they can't get the clot out. The remaining part of the clot is in a very difficult place - it is at the top of my deep vein very close to my hip. You can actually see and feel it. To take it out, they would most likely have to break my hip and I really have no desire to do that and frankly the damn clot is so old there really is nothing they can do for it at this point. Back when it first happened, I was going to have a stint put in, but Dr Kessler advised us not to because a number of different factors. But no, to answer the eternally asked question, they can't go in and get the clot out.

So - if you see me walking down the road and you aren't sure if I forgot my other stocking, trying to make a fashion statement, or I am just strange, don't judge. Some may not know what it is all about and if you ask I will tell you - but for those who don't, just think before you act or speak. Each person has a unique story... and my ho is mine. It is part of what makes me who I am and it has molded who I have become. I love it (sort of) - but I really have no choice but to. Granted I don't love it when my leg hurts and swells, but I have been known to get a few chuckles out of it - even 12/13 years later the joke of being a HO doesn't get old... and although I've had a few hiccups over the years, it hasn't slowed me down yet, and I don't plan on it anytime soon.

As for diving, I was nervous when I started  - what would the compression do at depth, how would my leg react under all diving circumstances  -- but I've done the research and it there is nothing that says I can't dive - so I am not going to let it stop me and the doctors agree! I did get Dr. Kessler's blessing to dive and he is ok with it as long as I take proper precautions when it comes to my meds (ie - don't get bit by a shark because you will bleed out - I have to say that when I went to see him I was most worried that he was going to tell me I couldn't dive). I do have to be careful and I am VERY aware of what I need to do to take care of myself but I am not letting this keep me from diving.

Obviously I have continued working out because I know that it is a factor in keeping myself safe and healthy and I've obviously picked up training again recently after a long break. I think that one of the reasons why this race coming up means so much to me and that I am putting so much pressure on myself is because I want to prove something to myself in regards to my leg.

As for everything else, this bitch of a clot didn't stop me from swimming before, finishing three marathons, so I am sure as hell not going to let it stop me now.

Plus, I make the ho look DAMN GOOD.

Anyway that is the long, but exciting, story of the ho and the clot!

Confessions from a nail salon

I went to get a pedicure today after work and I overheard a conversation that really made me think and reflect on all of this. I didn't mean to listen, and I wasn't until a woman waiting commented to a girl who had been on the phone, and said "I overheard your conversation and I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry" - it was that comment that made me tune in, thinking to myself, wow this woman has some serious balls... but then once I started listening, it was the girls story that made me reflect. 


Turns out, she is 25 years old and she was just diagnosed with mylenoma and was about to undergo treatment. Her mother was also currently in treatment for the same disease and was in surgery at that moment down the road at the hospital. You could tell she was upset and that what she was going through was difficult and after the woman stopped talking to her, I could see her silently crying as her nails dried.


I can only being to imagine how that girl felt and what she is going through... and I immediately wanted to go up to her and give her a hug and tell her that we are all fighting for her (I didn't - that would be weird). 


But as I left the salon, I reflected on what I saw and heard. I also reflected on some of the things that I have said over the last few days and regretted them. I have caught myself saying that I am tired. I am tired of fundraising and training. I've said things like all I feel like all I do is train...and I think I even said to someone "you have no idea how tough this is and what I am going through" - which is to me the worst comment possible.  Don't get me wrong, I am exhausted and I do want this race to be here, this small, short period of time is nothing compared to what this girl and her family are going through.


I have no right to bitch and moan. I have NO place to complain. I am incredibly lucky and it is because of my health that I am able to do this race with TNT and fight for people like her and her mother. I fight for her, train for her and raise money so she doesn't have to go through this with her children. So her mom can meet her grandkids. So that she doesn't have to sit in a nail salon and silently cry. It is moments like today that I remember that this is so much bigger than just being tired from a little training and fundraising.


Even though she has no idea that I overheard, or who I am, she did reach me and remind me that even though I am tired, that there is a reason behind all of this. She has no idea how much she touched me and how even though I don't know her, I am praying and thinking of her and her mother. 


And, maybe most importantly, it is moments like this that put me in my place, humble me and remind me of why I am doing this.