Last year when I ran with TNT, I spent the whole year with this huge fear of not being able to succeed --- not being able to finish -- with a huge fear of the unknown... I spent the entire time fighting this belief that I was attempting something that I was always told that I couldn't do.
So I am just about a day out. ONE DAY. ONLY ONE DAY. It's funny because I just skimmed through the blogs of last year and I remember what I felt this time last year... and it is SO much different this year. The nerves are excitement. The scared feeling I had last year is now just being prepared and wondering how much fun we are going to have on the course. The question of finishing is now an answer - and it is YES. There is no doubt.
I said at one point, last year I was playing against a team of the "Can'ts" -- and it totally took the fun out of the training and the race. The fear took over -- and that is something that in 18 years of competitive swimming I never let happen. I was WEAK last year -- and I depended on OTHERS to believe in myself. I know I was a headcase throughout the whole training and as much as I hate to admit it, it was probably the reason why Tom broke up with me. But that is neither here nor there and really, at this point, who gives a nut?
But- - it is funny how life sometimes works. Michele and I were sitting at lunch on Tuesday and she and I were talking. We've been working together for about nine months and when we started, she was training for the Marine Corps... and I started to run with her. She and I ran through a lot of tears and she listened, wiped the tears, gave great advice and really helped me back. There are times when I look back thinking that life was just the worst thing possible and she would just say - one step in front of another. And it worked. So we were sitting there on Tuesday and we were talking about my training and how in three days I was going to be running this huge race. She said to me that she was surprised with how calm I was and how ready I seemed. The one thing that she said, that really meant the world to me, was that over the last three months, there has been such a positive lift in my attitude, my daily demeanor and just my outlook on life.
Michele, the person who saw me at the lowest of lows, seeing such a change in me for the better, really means the world to me and it shows that this marathon is nothing like last years. This year, there is a totally different outlook. It isn't about playing a game of the can'ts - it is about playing a game of the "I wills". I WILL beat this marathon. I WILL be okay. I WILL smile the entire time because I WILL know that with every step, every pain, every mile, I WILL be completing the final step in rediscovering what life is all about. I WILL have fun. I WILL finish. Oh and I WILL do it because I believe in ME!
And I can't talk about this change in me without the team. THE TEAM in Team in Training is what did this. This, along with the friendship and support from Michele on those crazy Wednesday mornings, is what has made this happen. Every Friday I looked forward to crazy craft nights at Kristina's (wow that does sound fun), decorating the head, going to dinner, bothering Kevin at Best Buy, or trying to see movies based off our lives (he's just not that into you) -- and then waking up on Saturdays to run in 10 degree weather. Picking up bagels from Breuggers and saying hi to Kathy the manager and then driving to whatever location we may be at.
Birthday cakes for Mickey, Wedding cakes for Trish, silly heads, pots of gold, trips to buffalo, shitting my pants, bleeding nipples and jedi and his blinding speed, speakers to keep Margo and Hannah entertained, crazy bedazzaled visors, LEGWARMERS , Burgers and Beer at Nannys, wings at nannys- each moment, each "that's what she said joke", each email chain -- that is what makes this so special to me. It isn't about each of the miles that we've run each weekend, it is the relationships that we have developed and the fun that we've had. This team is more than just a team, we have become a family. Yes, a crazy, dysfunctional, silly, slightly incestuous family, but a family. A family that supports us when we feel week. One that will call you up if they know you've had a bad day. One that will just pack up and head to Baltimore because you have the day off. One that believes that you can finish even when all you want to do it call a cab.
Anyway, with all this said, these people - I can't name them all because then it would take a while - are what have made ME a positive person again. And they are the reason why I will be smiling the WHOLE freaking time while I run the ENTIRE 26.2 on Saturday. Well -- I might not run the whole thing -- I might dance a few blocks too. :)
GO TEAM.
And thank you -- thank you for everything.
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